Waiting for the storm to pass
by samanddianefan10
Summary: When tragedy strikes too close to home, Hawkeye must learn how to cope with life all over again. Set in GFA. Character death.


Sidney was gone, simply gone. On his way back to his camp he was a victim of sniper fire. He was transferred to the 4077 where everyone scrambled like mad to save him. No one fought harder to save him than Hawkeye. This was the man who had rescrambled the meatball surgeon's eggs. This was the man who had pushed Hawkeye to dig a little deeper when he felt like giving up. He could tell Sidney things that he couldn't tell anyone, not even B.J. And now here he was, his life in his hands. So Hawkeye rolled up his sleeves and began the fight of his life.

But it was not to be. Sidney laid there in stone cold silence, as if he knew there was nothing more that could be done to save him. The room grew quiet and all eyes fell on Hawkeye, as if he held all the answers. Even Colonel Potter momentarily gave up command to Hawkeye in a sense, for he knew that the men would depend on Hawkeye's example on how to behave. Potter was hoping for a joke or some kind of a prank, anything to let the boys know he was still alive. Any sign would be better than the wall of silence they were all met with.

"Call it, Pierce," Potter ordered.

Hawkeye looked away. If he didn't call it, then perhaps it would mean it wasn't true. He could will this man, this good, decent man back to life.

"Call it."

"15:03." With that, Hawkeye turned and walked away, the lone figure being watched by every pair of eyes in the operating room.

"Shall I go after him?" B.J. asked.

Potter shook his head. "This one's gonna sting. Better let him be for the time being. It won't be pretty wherever he goes."

He hoped he made the right decision. He knew that when he was devastated like that the last thing he needed was some well meaning intruders coming in telling him how to feel. No one knew the pain of another, not at a moment like that. He would resent those people and that resentment would just slow down the healing process. Better let him have a little time to himself, not too much. Potter would go in and check in on him if it got too quiet.

The first thing Hawkeye did was tear apart his room. He tore apart Charles's bed, B.J.'s bed, his own. He drank a glass of the alcohol poured out of the still, followed by another, then threw the glass to the floor. Observing the pieces of glass was like observing his insides- cut into hundreds of pieces without any rhyme or reason. Hawkeye saw a long jagged piece of glass. He eyed it and picked it up. He turned it over and over again in his hands, just wondering what could be done with it. He couldn't do it, he couldn't save Sidney, he couldn't save the baby on the bus, what could he do? What good was he? If only Sidney were here, he could tell him…he could tell him he was of some use to someone. He might even make him believe that. But without Sidney, what was left for him to believe in?

This Godforsaken war which was supposed to be coming to an end? Did he dare believe in what the news people were saying? It wouldn't be the first time they were wrong. Did he believe the papers? Papers never had all the facts straight, normally because the army never gave them all of the facts. So who did he trust? Hawkeye couldn't even trust himself anymore, not after being locked up in that hospital. Sidney had came back to talk with him, had reassured him, had believed in him. Surely there was a lesson in that.

Sidney was on his way home, just like Henry was. War was hell, and that was an understatement. Sidney wasn't a fighter. He was a healer. They took away one of the most decent persons that Hawkeye had ever known. He'd had so much to offer the world. It wasn't his time! Hawkeye could sit and rail at the injustice of it all or he could go on with his life. If he chose the former he risked getting sick again and going away for a very long time. Maybe that was something Sidney had taught him, to think of the consequences. He didn't want to go back there, he wanted to be well. He could be angry. He had every right t6 be angry. Another friend was lost and he couldn't do a thing to save him. Hawkeye wasn't a well man but he had to fight. Fight hard. He couldn't let himself go back to where he came from. He needed Sidney more than ever. Sidney wouldn't want him to get sick, he'd want him to keep fighting. He'd make Hawkeye see that he was worth fighting for, even if he didn't believe it. Who did Hawkeye listen to now, Sidney or himself?

He closed his eyes and sank to the floor. He saw Sidney. He was there at his bedside while he sneezed. He was there at the campfire, dressing down to his skivvies, donating his clothes to the cause. He was writing his letters to Sigmund Freud, He was losing his hat in a game of poker with the boys. He was nowhere to be found and yet he was everywhere. Hawkeye could feel him right beside him, telling him what to do.

"You must fight harder. For yourself. For your patients. For me, if you like. What other choice do you have? To spend the rest of your days here back where you came from while your friends leave you behind? You lose out on being the best surgeon at the 4077? You lose out on your friends, your laughter, your jokes, your letters, your love, …you miss out on yourself all because of what…because of me? No Hawkeye…you wouldn't be doing it because of me. You'd be doing it because life got too hard. Life is supposed to be hard. Don't quit five minutes before the miracle happens."

Hawkeye opened his eyes. "When is the miracle going to happen? Are we going home? Is that what you're telling me? What is it? Don't leave me like this…Don't go…."

But as he looked around the only person he saw was a concerned B.J. standing at the doorway. "Can I come in?"

Hawkeye nodded.

"Are you okay?" B.J. asked.

"You're not going to believe this…but Sidney was here. And we talked. I think I'm going to be okay. I just have to go on just a little bit longer. I can't quit now. I want to, but I can't. I have to listen to him, I owe it to him. I rarely listen to anyone but I listen to Sidney. And I'm not going to stop now. He wants me to keep going so I'm going to. You're probably thinking that you're listening to a madman and you're probably right… but it's all I got." He reached out his hand to have B.J. lift him up.

B.J. grabbed it and pulled Hawkeye into a solid embrace. The tears came, the tears from everything. From losing the baby, to having been locked up, to the idea of going home, to losing Sidney, to the idea that he may never see B.J. again. It was all coming out. But he wasn't alone. B.J. never left his side while he got it all out of his system. As it turned out he didn't need to go back to the funny farm. He needed his friends, and he needed to go back to work. Hawkeye needed to honor Sidney in the best way he knew how. It wouldn't be easy, but he was able to look forward, one day at a time. Looking back was too painful; when he did, he turned to B.J. Soon enough the words came that they'd waited so long to hear: that is the sound of peace.

Peace. A new start. A time for healing. Not all wounds would be healed, but Hawkeye was ready to move forward with his life in order to honor Sidney Freedman. Life goes on, whether he liked it or not, and he wanted to be part of the time that liked it. Some days were better than others, but Hawkeye moved on, with the support of family and friends and a therapist back home, and learned how to deal with those bad days.

_Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass_

_It's about learning how to dance in the rain_

The end


End file.
